CEF1243: ????
Auto response from XchaosdawningX: dammit.
???? is exaclty what i've been askign myself all day. you ever have one of those days where nothign goes right? i like to call them "Dammit" days. mostly because on days liek today dammit is every other word out of my mouth. you come home from work and just spend all evening sighing and wishing it was friday... or may... or you're driving north on 400 running errands for work and you begin ponderign teh physics involved in driving your car into a tree at 70 mph. what's the force exerted on my body adn woudl it be enough to kill me or woudl i survive to go back to work? or maybe just, how far will the gas in my car take me? How long will i be gone before anyone notices? Then, how much longer will it be before anyone I care about notices i'm gone? Cause I guarantee my boss woudl be callign my cell every 15 minutes starting at 9 am sharp. But how long until Caryn or Kristin or Tommy or Chris or Brian realizes i've completely dissapeared.
It's not that I want to die or even that I hate my boss. He's a nice guy as are all the people I work with. I just hate my job. It's not challenging or stimulating to me in any way. Waking up in the morning has never been a pleasant experience for me, but when I wake up and know I'm goign to work, i just want to roll over and go back to sleep for the next 2.5 months. So sure, my job is definitely the root of my problem, but here's the thing, it's not just my job, it's the fact that i feel that my life has no direction right now. I mean, I've got plans for the future, and I've even started planning what classes I want to take for summer and fall semesters. I've got a 3 year plan and I've got a vision of where I'm headed. But sitting at my desk staring into the void with the phone pressed to my ear so it looks like I'm working listening to the automated lady saying "You have no new messages. Press 6 to record and send a message" I have to wonder, what the fuck am i doing here? I hate corporate america, i hate wearing slacks, I hate shaving every day, I hate plumbing, I hate beign told to do one thign and as soon as I've done it ASAP I'm told not to do it at all b/c we need it this other way ASAP. I want out.
I recognize I'm in this weird funk right now. And it can't be completely because of my job. There's other stuff in my life to worry about. Its just that my job exaggerates all my other issues becasue I have to be there for the entire useful part of my day. And so it comes back to ???? What am I doing? Where am I going? Maybe I'll get in my car tomorrow and drive off to work. But instead of getting off at my exit, I'll drive spend all day driving aroudn 285 and not answerign my cell phone. Maybe I'll get on I-20 and go visit Tim's grandparents in Birmingham. Maybe I'll just keep driving. I'm sure Tim woudl appreciate teh company in Melbourne, and Nikki's only in Orlando. Katey's way out in Arizona, but I'll bet I my car could make it that far. I think Starign Back is done with their tour, maybe I'll go visit them in Goleta. You know, I've alwasy wanted to go back to Boston.
This weird funk is what causes me to do weird things liek this. In fact, it was about this time my freshman year of college... I was standign aroudn with Tim waiting for a show at the Echo Lounge. Snapcase I believe. And I got to thinking, I need to see Katey. So I did. I got in my car the next day and drove to Fairfax. So on Valentine's Day I was sitting on her doorstep when she came home from school. Not becasue I was in love with her, althoguh I may have thought so at the time, but because I needed to go. I can't really explain it. Cosmic forces, fate, who cares, call it whatever you want. I just knwo that I had an urge to go see Katey adn I did and when i came home from my little 1300 mile excursion, all was right with the world. I don't even knwo what's wrong with me this time. It's not like I've been writing a play where Katey plays the main character who i realize i love after her going away... This time it's not an emotional pull. I think it's more of an emotional void. Apathy if you will. I just don't care. I don't care abotu my job. I don't care about getting there on time. I don't care about being polite or doing bullshit work. Don't get me wrong, I'll hold teh door for you, or help you carry a heavy box, but I swear to god if you ask me to drive to duluth for no good god damned reason I'm goign to tell you to suck my cock. Everything is always so rush rush rush for no reason. you don't need it right now because the other parts won't beher euntiul next week. why shoudl i bust my ass to get parts overnighted so they can sit on my desk for 3 days? ???? indeed...
So here is where someone will have had enough of my complaining. Well, probably about 10 minutes ago actually. They'll say, "suck it up and get on with your life." or "no one likes their job. get over it." or simply "shut the hell up. stop whining." on one hand, these people are absolutely right. on the other hand, i don't think they understand the level on comtempt I currently have for my job as an entity. now, in all fairness to anyone I've talked to in teh last 3 weeks, I apologize. I realize that basically all I ever talk about is how much I hate my job. I'm sorry. You've all got things in your own life to worry about and you don't need to listen to me go on and on about how everyhtign about my job sucks. So here's the deal: it's not like I'm goign to quit my job and it's not liek my job is goign to magically get better tomorrow. So if I just drop off the face of the earth for a few days with no warning whatsoever (except this i suppose...), don't be too shocked. My cell phone has caller ID and you know I'll pick up if you're important to me. I'm not saying I'm defintiely goign anywhere or whatever, I just feel so empty and unfulfilled. There has to be something else out there or some way to give my days a purpose.
Maybe I just need more sunlight...
Maybe I just need more vitamins...
Maybe ???? is the answer and life is all backwards like jeopardy so that I'm really just looking for the right question.
Maybe I should shut the hell up and go to bed so I don't pass out at my desk tomorrow wondering what I'm doing here. Cause nothing is going to change between now any May when I get to go back to school. You have no idea how badly I want to have homework and tests again...
May as well get used to it.
Auto response from XchaosdawningX: dammit.
???? is exaclty what i've been askign myself all day. you ever have one of those days where nothign goes right? i like to call them "Dammit" days. mostly because on days liek today dammit is every other word out of my mouth. you come home from work and just spend all evening sighing and wishing it was friday... or may... or you're driving north on 400 running errands for work and you begin ponderign teh physics involved in driving your car into a tree at 70 mph. what's the force exerted on my body adn woudl it be enough to kill me or woudl i survive to go back to work? or maybe just, how far will the gas in my car take me? How long will i be gone before anyone notices? Then, how much longer will it be before anyone I care about notices i'm gone? Cause I guarantee my boss woudl be callign my cell every 15 minutes starting at 9 am sharp. But how long until Caryn or Kristin or Tommy or Chris or Brian realizes i've completely dissapeared.
It's not that I want to die or even that I hate my boss. He's a nice guy as are all the people I work with. I just hate my job. It's not challenging or stimulating to me in any way. Waking up in the morning has never been a pleasant experience for me, but when I wake up and know I'm goign to work, i just want to roll over and go back to sleep for the next 2.5 months. So sure, my job is definitely the root of my problem, but here's the thing, it's not just my job, it's the fact that i feel that my life has no direction right now. I mean, I've got plans for the future, and I've even started planning what classes I want to take for summer and fall semesters. I've got a 3 year plan and I've got a vision of where I'm headed. But sitting at my desk staring into the void with the phone pressed to my ear so it looks like I'm working listening to the automated lady saying "You have no new messages. Press 6 to record and send a message" I have to wonder, what the fuck am i doing here? I hate corporate america, i hate wearing slacks, I hate shaving every day, I hate plumbing, I hate beign told to do one thign and as soon as I've done it ASAP I'm told not to do it at all b/c we need it this other way ASAP. I want out.
I recognize I'm in this weird funk right now. And it can't be completely because of my job. There's other stuff in my life to worry about. Its just that my job exaggerates all my other issues becasue I have to be there for the entire useful part of my day. And so it comes back to ???? What am I doing? Where am I going? Maybe I'll get in my car tomorrow and drive off to work. But instead of getting off at my exit, I'll drive spend all day driving aroudn 285 and not answerign my cell phone. Maybe I'll get on I-20 and go visit Tim's grandparents in Birmingham. Maybe I'll just keep driving. I'm sure Tim woudl appreciate teh company in Melbourne, and Nikki's only in Orlando. Katey's way out in Arizona, but I'll bet I my car could make it that far. I think Starign Back is done with their tour, maybe I'll go visit them in Goleta. You know, I've alwasy wanted to go back to Boston.
This weird funk is what causes me to do weird things liek this. In fact, it was about this time my freshman year of college... I was standign aroudn with Tim waiting for a show at the Echo Lounge. Snapcase I believe. And I got to thinking, I need to see Katey. So I did. I got in my car the next day and drove to Fairfax. So on Valentine's Day I was sitting on her doorstep when she came home from school. Not becasue I was in love with her, althoguh I may have thought so at the time, but because I needed to go. I can't really explain it. Cosmic forces, fate, who cares, call it whatever you want. I just knwo that I had an urge to go see Katey adn I did and when i came home from my little 1300 mile excursion, all was right with the world. I don't even knwo what's wrong with me this time. It's not like I've been writing a play where Katey plays the main character who i realize i love after her going away... This time it's not an emotional pull. I think it's more of an emotional void. Apathy if you will. I just don't care. I don't care abotu my job. I don't care about getting there on time. I don't care about being polite or doing bullshit work. Don't get me wrong, I'll hold teh door for you, or help you carry a heavy box, but I swear to god if you ask me to drive to duluth for no good god damned reason I'm goign to tell you to suck my cock. Everything is always so rush rush rush for no reason. you don't need it right now because the other parts won't beher euntiul next week. why shoudl i bust my ass to get parts overnighted so they can sit on my desk for 3 days? ???? indeed...
So here is where someone will have had enough of my complaining. Well, probably about 10 minutes ago actually. They'll say, "suck it up and get on with your life." or "no one likes their job. get over it." or simply "shut the hell up. stop whining." on one hand, these people are absolutely right. on the other hand, i don't think they understand the level on comtempt I currently have for my job as an entity. now, in all fairness to anyone I've talked to in teh last 3 weeks, I apologize. I realize that basically all I ever talk about is how much I hate my job. I'm sorry. You've all got things in your own life to worry about and you don't need to listen to me go on and on about how everyhtign about my job sucks. So here's the deal: it's not like I'm goign to quit my job and it's not liek my job is goign to magically get better tomorrow. So if I just drop off the face of the earth for a few days with no warning whatsoever (except this i suppose...), don't be too shocked. My cell phone has caller ID and you know I'll pick up if you're important to me. I'm not saying I'm defintiely goign anywhere or whatever, I just feel so empty and unfulfilled. There has to be something else out there or some way to give my days a purpose.
Maybe I just need more sunlight...
Maybe I just need more vitamins...
Maybe ???? is the answer and life is all backwards like jeopardy so that I'm really just looking for the right question.
Maybe I should shut the hell up and go to bed so I don't pass out at my desk tomorrow wondering what I'm doing here. Cause nothing is going to change between now any May when I get to go back to school. You have no idea how badly I want to have homework and tests again...
May as well get used to it.
