Dichotomy...

Christianity: I realized this weekend that I feel very uncomfortable in churches. It wasn't just that the wedding was in an old church or a very traditional church. I just don't feel like I belong in a church at all. This is not a new development for me of course. It's been several years since I attended church regularly and even at my old church, I no longer feel I fit in there. Churches are supposed to be a places of worship, so they should feel spiritual. And I'm just not sure that god's many earthly houses need an indoor basketball court and a running track. Or an air hockey table and video arcade machines. Don't get me wrong, I think having a strong youth program is very important, I just don't think you need those things to do it. Most of my close friends were made at St. Matthews, but it wasn't the spirituality that drew us together. We could have been just as good friends had we all been involved in some other youth program together. By contrast, I've always felt very comfortable and welcome in other places of worship: Synagogues, temples, mosques, etc. They have always felt more spiritual to me and less concerned with ritualistic perfection than with reverence in worship. I have always been welcomed with open arms elsewhere and if I neglect to bow or don't know a prayer, someone next to me has always been happy to help me, rather than mutter behind my back about how poor a Christian I must be (admitedly, this hasn't happened in a long time, to the best of my knowledge). Having grown up overseas, it's a miracle I was raised Christian at all. If you like, you can blame all this on the fact that I went to a Unitarian church for a year in Indonesia. Or the fact that I'm an ordained minister with the ULC. There is certainly a correlational (though probably not causal) relationship between the latter and my lack of religion. Not to be confused with my lack of faith. I maintain a spiritual side of myself which I feel very strongly about. I believe there is a higher power, whether it be God, Allah, Buddha, Shiva, Ra, aliens, blackholes, Gaea, math, science, a unified field theorem, whatever. I have no doubt in my mind that there was some higher force at work in the creation of the universe and that somewhere in this universe, there is a single unifying thread, common to everything that exists that ties us all back to some single point source. But whereas most people choose to (supposedly) examine this possibility in a church, I choose to pursue the line of thought on my own. If a church is supposed to bring you closer to God and help you along your spiritual journey, why did I always feel like I was backpedaling in my pew, more concerned with who was watching me and whether I was singing correctly than with my internal search for truth? Being spoon-fed the gospel and programmed to believe without question rather than to critically examine the "word of god" full of its contradictions and find out for myself what I believe. As such, I have begun to identify more with Buddhist teachings than Christian ones - the search for spiritual enlightenment must begin from within oneself. I prefer to look for god not in a building, but in the stars at night, the symmetry of nature, the non-symmetry of a human face, the beauty of a forest on a crisp winter morning, the perfection of natural patterns, the hearts of my friends, and the cool blue eyes of the girl I adore. If god is truly love, I have already found god.

Posted by Rev. Adam on Monday, September 27, 2004 at 11:31 PM | Permalink