Adam's Theory of the Day:I like to think of being social more or less the same way I think of my cell phone plan. I only have so many social minutes per given time period (month/year/week/hour/etc). And if I use up all my normal social minutes in that given time period, then I can't do anything else social without paying a hefty overage penalty. Only instead of money, I pay with stress, anxiety, and exhaustion. And different activities carry different charges too, just like roaming. The farther in the boonies you are, the more expensive your call. Likewise, the less like my own surroundings a social event is (lots of people, more people I don't know that people I do know, loud noises, alcohol, fancy clothes, etc), the more taxing it is, so the more social minutes it eats up. I think every so often my allotment of social minutes just get reduced for no reason. Someday that allotment will probably reach zero, but hopefully by then I'll be too old and senile (like, you know, when I'm 30) for it to matter. And sometimes I think it's a miracle I ever leave my apartment at all.
Despite all that, I'm going to have fun playing laser tag tonight even if it kills me. And I have to admit I'm somewhat terrified of taking my Mensa entrance exam tomorrow morning, not so much because of the test itself (which I expect to be quite difficult) but because of what kind of other people might be there. And let's not even talk about the party I was invited to by my project manager on Saturday night that I'm probably not even going to try to go to. Yes yes, I know there's a rainbow of medications (Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor, Xanax, Klonopin, etc) to treat social anxiety problems, but if I learned nothing else from my psych classes, it's that drug treatments are only truly effective with counseling. I'm not about to pay to go see a psychiatrist and I have no real desire to take any kind of medications. So whatever, this is who I am and it's not going to change anytime soon. And if I'm a basketcase when it comes to social situations, especially parties or really anything new, so be it.
I think the problem is exacerbated by having friends who have more active social lives than me. Not that I should be trying to compare myself to them, because what excites them would slowly kill me from the inside out. But sometimes I can't help it. And even more so, knowing that they're out having a good time without me while I sit at home having what I would normally think is a good time, wondering what they're doing, and worrying myself about it, I think is what really kills me. Why can't I just be happy with who I am and be happy with who other people are? *sigh* I really hope I'm not going to have this crisis every month. I'm not sure I could deal with that... I think I really just miss being able to see Emily on a regular basis and being as big/constant a part of her life as I used to be. Living so far away sucks. :(
Despite all that, I'm going to have fun playing laser tag tonight even if it kills me. And I have to admit I'm somewhat terrified of taking my Mensa entrance exam tomorrow morning, not so much because of the test itself (which I expect to be quite difficult) but because of what kind of other people might be there. And let's not even talk about the party I was invited to by my project manager on Saturday night that I'm probably not even going to try to go to. Yes yes, I know there's a rainbow of medications (Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor, Xanax, Klonopin, etc) to treat social anxiety problems, but if I learned nothing else from my psych classes, it's that drug treatments are only truly effective with counseling. I'm not about to pay to go see a psychiatrist and I have no real desire to take any kind of medications. So whatever, this is who I am and it's not going to change anytime soon. And if I'm a basketcase when it comes to social situations, especially parties or really anything new, so be it.
I think the problem is exacerbated by having friends who have more active social lives than me. Not that I should be trying to compare myself to them, because what excites them would slowly kill me from the inside out. But sometimes I can't help it. And even more so, knowing that they're out having a good time without me while I sit at home having what I would normally think is a good time, wondering what they're doing, and worrying myself about it, I think is what really kills me. Why can't I just be happy with who I am and be happy with who other people are? *sigh* I really hope I'm not going to have this crisis every month. I'm not sure I could deal with that... I think I really just miss being able to see Emily on a regular basis and being as big/constant a part of her life as I used to be. Living so far away sucks. :(
