Dichotomy...

After thinking about my last post, and then contemplating my life in general, I have decided that I have the opposite of an impulse control problem. That is to say that I am not impulsive enough to enjoy any activity that has instantaneous gratification but no long term benefit. Especially if it costs money. A strip club just fools you into thinking that a girl likes you so you empty your wallet for her, and at the end of the night, you've still got no girlfriend, even less money, and all you've got to show for it smoke-filled clothes and pants requiring laundring. I don't drink because apart from not liking the feeling of being intoxicated and not 100% in control of my own faculties, in the end it gains you nothing. Yeah, a night of drinking might be fun at the time, but it leaves you with a hangover and if you're lucky, a handful of hazy memories. Gambling at least carries the possibility of coming out with more money that you went in with, albeit a small one. But basically you're paying to sit around in a smoky room full of drunks to have your spirit crushed and your wallet emptied. I can just think of plenty of better things to do with my time, money, and body that leave longer lasting imprints. Reading a good book, beating a video game, doing a puzzle, having dinner with friends, going to a concert, writing a story. I know those things won't seem like much fun to most people, but for as introverted as I am, it's amazing I ever leave my apartment at all. And I think there's a disconnect between what's "fun" and what's "impulsive" in my brain. Impulsive things just make me depressed. So am I really a lame old wet blanket after all? Yeah, basically. I suffer from a lack of impulsiveness that renders most people's fun activities too impetuous for me and my own outlets too timid for others. Should I try to ignore the little voices in my head and be more spontaneous? Not likely, I won't be enjoying myself in the end anyway and I'll just get really stressed out over it. So to hell with it, I'll just stick to being my normal boring self, but at least I know what's wrong with me now.

Posted by Rev. Adam on Sunday, January 16, 2005 at 11:59 PM | Permalink